Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
