haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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