coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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