she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
