I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
