Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
