I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
