glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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