Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
