apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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