I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize