She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
