I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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