We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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