I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
