DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
