Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
