I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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