I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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