It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
