so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
