You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
