The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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