she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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