he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need a beard to bite.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
