You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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