i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize