It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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