I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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