Nicole vs. Life
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
