I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
