I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
