There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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