I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
