I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
