apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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