He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
