just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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