im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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