whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
