I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
