I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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