The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
