i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
