I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
