I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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