Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
