we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize