Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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