It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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