I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
