i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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