I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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