god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize