Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
