I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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